Internet security is serious business, so it’s nice when a completely inept spyware program like PC Scout comes along to provide a little comic relief. One of my favorite things about poorly made malware is all the little grammatically awkward lines they come up with to try to scare you into paying for their nonexistent full versions. PC Scout offers these gems:

“Most of the viruses and worms on your PC because of visiting pornosites or warez/torrent sites.”

“There were found 1 dangerous viruses on your computer. It is strongly recommended to remove them ASAP.”

“No, continue unprotected (Dangerous)
Allow Rootkit.Win32.Agent.pp to destroy your system now.”

And then there’s this one, which would be fine if it weren’t a complete lie:

“Internet Explorer is infected with worm Rootkit.Win32.Agent.pp.”

This is how PC Scout gets you. It sneaks onto your hard drive, runs every time you start your computer, and displays these phony system scans designed to scare you into forking over money for a full version that they can’t deliver. The scan is fake, and the threats are made up.

Want to save your money for real spyware programs that aren’t unintentionally hilarious? I’ll show you how to remove PC Scout from your computer, for free.

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SoftSoldier is the newest recruit from the malware bootcamp that produced TrustSoldier, SaveSoldier, and SecuritySoldier. We’ve still seen no sign of SafeSoldier, SecureSoldier, SystemSoldier, QuickSoldier, BlockSoldier, or DefenseSoldier, so don’t take off your flak jacket just yet. They could be waiting in ambush around the next curve.

Like its badware brothers-in-arms, Soft Soldier breaches weak spots in your defenses and attempts to defeat your computer from within. If the SoftSoldier pop-ups and browser spam don’t get you, its demands for money might wear you down. But don’t give in; your money will only bring a heavier spam bombardment.

Okay, since the soldier metaphor is getting a little tiresome, ready to ditch this program? I’ll show you how to remove SoftSoldier from your computer, for free.

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Active Security has all the common characteristics of fake antispyware programs: a professional but bland design, a forgettable name, an uninspiring catch phrase (“Help protect your computer”), a standard system scan interface, and an over-the-top fake registration button. Take a good look at the attached image, because you may never see a more perfectly unremarkable malware application than this.

Active Security gets into your computer and drags your CPU with spam and Active Security pop-ups showing fake system scans. The goal is to scare you with made-up threats and then take your money for the so-called “full version,” which doesn’t exist.

Tired of being bored to death by mind-numbingly dull spyware programs? I’ll show you how to remove Active Security from your computer, for free.

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Meet TrustFighter, the latest scareware spawn to crawl from the malware goo that gave us TrustCop and SecureVeteran. These things are practically clones of each other, using the same blue-and-white design and the same old scare tactics. Frankly, I find these persistent little pests a bit creepy, but at least they’re easy to squish.

Like the 20-something others, Trust Fighter sneaks into your computer, nests in your hard drive, and spams you with TrustFighter pop-ups showing fake system scans. And just when you think you’ve got vga775.f, or whatever second-hand virus names they’re using this time, they pester you to pay for a non-existent license.

Sick of being menaced by mindless spyware vermin? I’ll show you how to remove TrustFighter from your computer, for free.

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Windows Smart Security, the shiniest, pinkest malware I’ve ever seen, is fake antispyware dressed in pink and buffed to a glittery sheen. Did I mention this thing is shiny and pink? I can’t seem to focus on anything else right now. It’s just that it’s so shiny. And pink.

Color scheme aside, Windows Smart Security is malicious scareware. It enters your computer as a Trojan, spams you out of your mind with Windows Smart Security pop-ups, and performs fake scans. It’ll show a bunch of made-up infections, and then it’ll urge you to pay for a licensed version that doesn’t exist.

It may also display a fake blue screen that shows this error:

*** NTFS.SYS – Address 0xFBFE7617 base at 0xFD3094C2, DateStamp 3d6abeff
*** STOP: 0×00000050 (0xFD3094C2,0×00000001,0xFBFE7617,0×00000000)

Try to avert your eyes from the dazzling brightness, and I’ll show you how to remove Windows Smart Security from your computer, for free.

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TrustSoldier is the newest in a long line of malware applications that all use the exact same design and scare tactics. SafeFighter, SecuritySoldier, and SaveDefender are a few that come to mind. These scammers come up a little short in the idea department, but at least that makes them easy to identify.

Like the others, Trust Soldier sneaks into your computer and displays TrustSoldier pop-ups showing fake system scans. Once these are done, it asks for money for a full version, and it refuses to leave until you pay. This might be okay if there were a full version, but these guys can’t deliver.

Tired of being bothered by last year’s stubborn spyware? I’ll show you how to remove TrustSoldier from your computer, for free.

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Windows Enterprise Defender is a new malware release from the people who brought us Windows PC Defender and Windows Additional Guard. Remember how much fun those were? We’re in luck, because Windows Enterprise Defender does all the same stuff. Try to contain your excitement.

This fake antispyware enters your computer without permission, burrows into your hard drive, and starts raising havoc. It opens whenever your computer starts, showing Windows Enterprise Defender pop-ups that say, “Warning! Your system is not cleaned yet!” Then, it displays some made-up viruses and asks for money to get rid of them. Sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

Had enough of this malicious application’s version of a good time? I’ll show you how to remove Windows Enterprise Defender, for free.

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Shocking news: People on the internet are sometimes deceitful. For example, Antivirus isn’t what it claims to be. Despite what its makers want us to believe, it’s malware pretending to be legitimate. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but you’ve been lied to by anonymous internet people.

Antivirus sneaks in your computer and displays fake security threats. An Antivirus pop-up says “Malicious threats were found on your PC,” and it urges you to pay for a full version by clicking the “Protect My PC Now” button. Brace yourself for more stupefying news: There is no full version of this program.

Don’t feel like handing over free cash to anonymous web crooks today? I’ll show you how to remove Antivirus from your computer, for free.

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SafeFighter is the latest release from the scareware specialists behind TrustCop and SecuritySoldier. These people never get tired of releasing the same malware over and over under different names, and SafeFighter probably won’t be the last time we see the same blue and white design with the same “Help protect your PC” tagline and phony spyware threats like “cyclom-y.PNF.”

Safe Fighter enters as a Trojan, hijacks your browser, and displays fake scans warning of non-existent threats. It’s all a scam to get your money, so keep your credit card information as far away as possible.

Are those SafeFighter pop-ups making you want to send this shoddy internet thing back to the factory? I’ll show you how to remove SafeFighter from your computer, for free.

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Cyber Security is sneaky malware dressed up as real security software. From the same crack team of scareware hotshots who brought us Total Security 2009, the Cyber Security virus enters through backdoor channels, hijacks your browser, and impersonates a legitimate antispyware program.

After installing itself, Cyber Security pop-ups tell you your “System is in Danger,” and it displays phony threats such as “Spyware.IEMonster.d” and “Win32Rbot.fm.” To get rid of these made-up viruses, Cyber Security says you have to “Get full real-time protection with Cyber Security.” Pay if you want, but you’ll be waiting a very long time for your full version.

Have better things to do than wait around for non-existent software? I’ll show you how to remove Cyber Security from your computer, for free.

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